Once you start seeing yourself clearly, you can start healing yourself more sincerely.
Danielle LaPorte says:
"Ban "overwhelmed" from your vocabulary.
Refuse it entry to your psyche. You’re bigger than that.
Just be, you know, whelmed (this is best said with a Jewish, Brooklyn accent.)
Whelmed. Not at full capacity, rather, full of capacity.
Whelmed. Sounds full of potential, doesn’t it?"
Now doesn't that just make your low wattage turn bright! I love Danielle's writing, her spirit force and empowering ways are something I've been drawing from while dealing with "things".
I learned a long time ago that perspective is key, instead of asking myself to "make a decision" - "just choose dammit", I now ask "what is my preference?". That way I get the most honest answer coming straight from my soul. My answer, right now, is to go on a blog hiatus. I'm not sure what direction I'm going in but what I do know is that I'll be focusing on self-excavation and cracking open the metaphorical cloak I feel shrouded under.
Whether in blog-land or the real world we never actually know what's going on behind closed doors and that's okay. Privacy is massively respected; for me today though writing is such a great way to compartmentalize and reconcile my personal issues + challenges. A little bit of salve to sooth the wounds of life. I've read other bloggers candid shares and think "wow, i wish more people would take the time to look inside each other’s doors because there is always much more than meets the eye". If you've made it this far into my multitude of paragraphs then I extra thank you for taking the time to be here for me and would like to open my doors a bit more to you.
Lots of gals (and guys) have spoken about balance, whether this state is a myth or a reality, I feel like mine is teetering. Expressing the darkness inside is hard for me but let me start by explaining the core cause for its appearance. I'm quite a bit older than probably most of my readers. I'm 44. This isn't something I've shared until now but coming to terms just this year that Sean & I won't be able to have a baby of our own has been one of the hardest things I've gone through. Having a child with the man I love was about the biggest dream I could have dreamt. Realizing it won't happen is very surreal and has caused me to retreat and implode. Letting this dream go has uncovered many layers of pain. Pain from my past and the choices I made - should I have done it all differently? Pain from the reality of my chronological age and that I'm mortal, will die and won't have left any legacy behind - what is my purpose, why am I even here? Pain from feeling so much love inside that I'll never get to give - how can others who don't even appreciate it receive so much? oh, that last one gets me in the side like a knife, who am I to question others’ lives and judge them, who am I to get so self-focused I can't even take notice of someone who might need an extra touch on the arm. who am I?
This is what's wrong right now, I'm not even sure of myself anymore. It's a frustrating place to be. Thank goodness for Sean and all the unconditional love he gives me, he's my true champion and biggest supporter. I'm blessed to high heaven for him in my life and I've been truly blessed to have met so many wonderful friends through blogging. I believe the soul has eyes where it allows us to see things we liken to. For me, meeting such amazing girls that I've felt completely drawn towards has been mega inspiring, enlightening and a brilliant groove I've enjoyed to no end.
Friends, I appreciate you so much, your support does not go unnoticed!!! We'll see how the universe shows the way, praying is always a feel better place for me. Working my way out from beneath the proverbial boulder is what I'll be focusing on. Got some ideas in my sights and now it's time to start moving forward to meet them. I'll still be coming by to visit you guys and look forward to reading about your goings on and feeling your spark! I hope all your happiest moments leak blessings out in repetitive motion to the next ones. Thank you again and again for all the awesome loves...here I go now, off to the working on getting whelmed realm. xo ♥
* my apologies to those of you who could be slightly put off here today because going from seeing me dancing around in a shower (like my last post) to this rather heavy content is kinda a surprise and a sharp contrast. truth be told, i believe it's healthy to be open and not every day is coming up roses...i hope my real deals could also help to let whoever else is feeling on the wayside of life know they are not alone and nothing is insurmountable *
** someone who continually inspires me and was a catalyst to this post is Kristie Colón, she is a truth speaking/seeking warrior on her own path of amazing grace **