Tuesday, March 13, 2012

decisions, preferences and staying in the whelmed realm

My parents used to tell me I lived in the Land of Fey - a kind of magical place where everything was possible and all dreams became realities. It wasn't something I ever thought about or questioned until it failed to exist. I used to pride myself on having a positive attitude, one that took no extra effort and seemed such a natural state of being. What has happened to me? Where did those hope filled eyes go? Life, lately, has been like 1 high and 5 lows...what a downer hey - that's not positive enforcement at all but it's an example of how my truth is being dampened. Friends, this is the hardest post I've written to date. I've put it off for a while now, partly because I love blogging so much and didn't want to let it go. As each month came I'd plan to write something honest about how I'm feeling and where I'm really at but kept sweeping those things under the carpet. A virtual land mine of trip-tastrophes has occurred so now I know it's time to begin working on myself after waiting for the right time to accept my road rash, it needs to be dealt with, no more distractions.

Once you start seeing yourself clearly, you can start healing yourself more sincerely.

Danielle LaPorte says:  
"Ban "overwhelmed" from your vocabulary. 
Refuse it entry to your psyche. You’re bigger than that.

Just be, you know, whelmed (this is best said with a Jewish, Brooklyn accent.)

Whelmed. Not at full capacity, rather, full of capacity.

Whelmed. Sounds full of potential, doesn’t it?"

Now doesn't that just make your low wattage turn bright! I love Danielle's writing, her spirit force and empowering ways are something I've been drawing from while dealing with "things".

I learned a long time ago that perspective is key, instead of asking myself to "make a decision" - "just choose dammit", I now ask "what is my preference?". That way I get the most honest answer coming straight from my soul. My answer, right now, is to go on a blog hiatus. I'm not sure what direction I'm going in but what I do know is that I'll be focusing on self-excavation and cracking open the metaphorical cloak I feel shrouded under.

Whether in blog-land or the real world we never actually know what's going on behind closed doors and that's okay. Privacy is massively respected; for me today though writing is such a great way to compartmentalize and reconcile my personal issues + challenges. A little bit of salve to sooth the wounds of life. I've read other bloggers candid shares and think "wow, i wish more people would take the time to look inside each other’s doors because there is always much more than meets the eye". If you've made it this far into my multitude of paragraphs then I extra thank you for taking the time to be here for me and would like to open my doors a bit more to you.

Lots of gals (and guys) have spoken about balance, whether this state is a myth or a reality, I feel like mine is teetering. Expressing the darkness inside is hard for me but let me start by explaining the core cause for its appearance. I'm quite a bit older than probably most of my readers. I'm 44. This isn't something I've shared until now but coming to terms just this year that Sean & I won't be able to have a baby of our own has been one of the hardest things I've gone through. Having a child with the man I love was about the biggest dream I could have dreamt. Realizing it won't happen is very surreal and has caused me to retreat and implode. Letting this dream go has uncovered many layers of pain. Pain from my past and the choices I made - should I have done it all differently? Pain from the reality of my chronological age and that I'm mortal, will die and won't have left any legacy behind - what is my purpose, why am I even here? Pain from feeling so much love inside that I'll never get to give - how can others who don't even appreciate it receive so much? oh, that last one gets me in the side like a knife, who am I to question others’ lives and judge them, who am I to get so self-focused I can't even take notice of someone who might need an extra touch on the arm. who am I?

This is what's wrong right now, I'm not even sure of myself anymore. It's a frustrating place to be. Thank goodness for Sean and all the unconditional love he gives me, he's my true champion and biggest supporter. I'm blessed to high heaven for him in my life and I've been truly blessed to have met so many wonderful friends through blogging. I believe the soul has eyes where it allows us to see things we liken to. For me, meeting such amazing girls that I've felt completely drawn towards has been mega inspiring, enlightening and a brilliant groove I've enjoyed to no end.

Friends, I appreciate you so much, your support does not go unnoticed!!! We'll see how the universe shows the way, praying is always a feel better place for me. Working my way out from beneath the proverbial boulder is what I'll be focusing on. Got some ideas in my sights and now it's time to start moving forward to meet them. I'll still be coming by to visit you guys and look forward to reading about your goings on and feeling your spark! I hope all your happiest moments leak blessings out in repetitive motion to the next ones. Thank you again and again for all the awesome loves...here I go now, off to the working on getting whelmed realm. xo

* my apologies to those of you who could be slightly put off here today because going from seeing me dancing around in a shower (like my last post) to this rather heavy content is kinda a surprise and a sharp contrast. truth be told, i believe it's healthy to be open and not every day is coming up roses...i hope my real deals could also help to let whoever else is feeling on the wayside of life know they are not alone and nothing is insurmountable *

** someone who continually inspires me and was a catalyst to this post is Kristie Colón, she is a truth speaking/seeking warrior on her own path of amazing grace **


Shaylynn... I BLAHWG. said...

Kristie is one of my dearest friends, she can teach anyone to be honest.

I think we spend our entire lives trying to figure out who we are, something will rock us and we'll shift.

I will keep you in my prayers, and hope for a quick resolve, yet all in due time. I know.

You're wonderful.

Christine (Fash n Chips) said...

OK, Lynn - first - give me a moment to get back on my feet after reading your age - I'm SHOCKED! I was convinced you were around my age (late 20-ish ;)) and I hope one day you will share all your anti-aging and beauty secrets with the world - or me at the very least.

But then - let me say - I'm so sorry to hear about where you are in your life right now. I can't say I'm shocked because I've come to learn everyone has their problems and issues no matter how smiley they seem. But it's inspiring to see you opening up like that on your blog, I have so much respect for it! And I think I can imagine how you're feeling a bit and I'm really sorry you have to deal with so much.. I'm sure in the end your strength and positive attitude will help you through it and make you feel "yourself" again.

Also - PS - may I suggest you turn your blog into a book? It has all the right ingredients for it and I can't think of one woman who wouldn't want to read it. I'm not kidding.


cb said...

oh lynn! this was such a beautiful and honest post. i know it might be off putting to some but that is how our emotions work, one minute you are loving the shower and the next you want nothing to do with it. but can i say....DAMN lady you look AMAZING! i would have thought we were the same age, i hope that doesn't hurt your feelings and i apologize if it does.

anywho, i think sometimes we all need a break to really take care of what is important to us, ourselves. we all have those feelings of what if i did it different and you just can't think that way, it never helps nor solves the problem but it can help us how to move forward. we just have to keep our heads up and look to the horizon and how to solve the here and now and also the future. tom and i dont know if we want kids and who knows if some day we regret putting it off but that is something we will have to deal with and we will figure it out just like you will.

you are a strong smart beautiful person and i am so glad you have someone to help you. i don't know where i would be without tom. it is funny what we do not share on our blogs and i am so proud that you shared with us. it takes a lot of guts i know. there are some current events that are happening right now in my life and i am not sure to share or not...it may help me feel better to get it out but then again, it is a super private situation that i sometimes can not bare to think about. in the end it is ours to share or not to share and i thank you for being so completely honest.

i hope that you will keep in touch. i cherish your friendship <3

much love,

Antoinette said...

Lynn you amazing, beautiful, inspiring and may just be the hottest 44 year old in the world!
I totally thought you were in your late 20s. That just absoltely blows my mind.

It really upsets me to know that you are going through some personal struggles right now and I wish I could come and give you a huge hug and take all your pain away. This crazy thing we call life can be extremely testing sometimes. This post was such a breath of fresh air as it was so raw and honest which the blogging would is severely lacking.
I went through a very dark time in my life early last year and I can honestly say that things get better. You are in my thoughts and I will be saying lots of prayers for you darling.

Eckhart Tolle would say.

"Once you have made peace with the present moment, see what happens, what you can do or choose to do, or rather what life does through you. There are three words that convey the secret of the art of living, the secret of all success and happiness: One with Life. Being one with life is being one with Now. You then realize that you don't live your life, but life lives you. Life is the dancer and you are the dance."


Janette said...

Emailing you a massive megabyte-ish email within the next few days.. You are so loved girl!


Janette, the Jongleur

Cee said...

Aw lades, I know this post has been coming for a while know and I so know where you're coming from - when the lows start to out number the highs, it's time to take a step back and reevaluate. I just hope you realise how well loved you are - your shining light has radiated all over the internet and touched many, many bloggers, including me. I know for sure that I will be here when you feel like it's time to come back, and I'm sure your other readers will, too :) Sending lots of love your way.

Mandy Crandell said...

You are such a beautiful and incredible person inside and out. This post just heightens that even more. Your openness is so inspiring, and I'm not sure I could ever do it. My heart is heavy for you but don't for one second think you aren't leaving behind a legacy. You touch so many people each day with your zest for life. I can't tell you the number of times your cheerfulness has brought me out of my dark cave. I'll be keeping you in my thoughts and sending good vibes your way.


Leonie said...

Aw Lynn, first of all: I feel massive respect for you for writing this post! You have always inspired me with your happy, sparkly personality, but you continue inspiring me while "being on a serious note" as well.

I think you are a fantastic lady and I am so happy I got to meet you through our blogs. I send you all the positivity and good vibes and hope happy times will be with you soon again.

I am not as magical with supporting words (I guess, in a way, I'm too emotional for that), but I hope you know that there are many people out there who think very highly of you, including myself!

xoxo Leonie

Alexandra said...

Lynn I almost cried reading this, and the only reason I'm not is because I'm surrounded by a group of stressed out journalism students and I feel like I might terrify them.

I know you've been dealing with some things but I had no idea what exactly, and now that I know, let me just say that I can fully appreciate why you might need some time off to figure everything out. One thing I do know for certain is that you are one of the most inspiring and good people I've met and I have absolutely no doubt in my mind that good, amazing things will come your way...they might not just come in the obvious form you had initially expected them.

You have been one of my truest bloggy friends and I'll miss coming on here and reading your uplifting posts, but I know we'll keep in touch "in the real world" and I want to hear how everything's going with you.

Sending you lots and lots of love and buckets of respect.

Alex xoxo

Shade of Whim said...

Oh lady! Can I firstly just thank you for opening up to us all. What beautiful honesty. Thank you..

I'm so, so sorry to hear where you're at right now. I know I've only known you via blog-land messages, but what a beautiful lady you are (by the way I would NEVER have said you are in your 40s! I thought 20s!)

You were one of the first bloggers to get me inspired and your messages and support towards my blogging journey meant and MEANS more that I can say. Just as Cee said, I too will be here (along with the army of readers beside us)when you feel it's time to come back.

I wish you all the best for this time you need for yourself. I hope you find the roses to fill your days soon! You are an incredible inspiration that I (along with so many) look up to and RESPECT in this blog-world.

Be you. Pray. Let whatever it may be to fill your world and take you to that next 'meant-to-be'.

Sending you SO much love and positive vibes.
Maria xxxx

Brooke said...

I have loved your blog from the day I found it. I feel like I found a friend when I found you. I'm so sorry that you're grieving the loss of your dream to be a mom right now. I can't imagine how hard that is. You are so lucky to have your man and your fur babies to support you through this tough time. One of my employees just found out they can't have biological kids either and my heart broke for them.

You have an amazing spirit that shines through your photos and words. I will definitely miss your posts but COMPLETELY understand the need to walk away aren regroup. Take the time you need to heal your heart and move forward. I think you'd be surprised to find how many of us would happily welcome you back in a month, 6 months or a year from now! If you never return to blogging just appreciate it for what it brought to you at the time you enjoyed it.

Wishing you all the best.

dana @ wonder forest said...

Oh Lynn, I'm so proud of you for sharing this. You already know how I feel through our emails so I'll spare you a long comment! Do what feels right for you, whatever that may be... Whether you've figured it out yet or not, you will. You have a colorful soul that was only meant for you, and I'm positive that things will get brighter.
Xoxox Dana
P.s. I'm always around via email ;)

Shade of Whim said...

btw - I hope you don't mind I've linked this post to my current post...I'm so inspired by it! Sending you all the positive vibes for your time ahead xx

May Loh said...

Thank you for writing this post and well done for not being afraid to share. You write beautifully and have truly touched me with your voice.
At times this massive blog sphere can become a pool drowned in flashy photos and glitz of brightness that we forget the real person behind the writing. My blog is really nothing to boast about but I have always seen it as an extension and an important part of myself....something that is me, no matter who me may be....and something that has kept me going through my toughest times. Writing is a powerful form of expression and I beg that you continue to write because you write so beautifully.
It is in the human need to seek perfection, as when we taste a glimpse of happiness and beauty we will naturally want more. Perhaps the happiness you seek lies in a different form? I cannot claim to hold any answers but I have heard those wanting to conceive who have decided to adopt, only to find within after a year of adoption that they have conceived naturally and without knowing. It has been true cases from people I know...one adopted a baby girl and then conceived a son at a very mature age....another adopted a kitten and now has three naturally conceived children. Sometimes we could want something so much that we focus on it to the point of despair and pain....most of us have been there, and only when you embrace acceptance naturally that new forms of life can begin to bloom. I truly hope your pain will lessen soon and that things will become beautiful again for you. Have a lovely day and keep smiling.
May x

Jenni@Story of My Life said...

Aww, Lynn... your wonderful posts will certainly be missed, but I completely respect and understand your decision and I think you're doing the right thing. Sometimes I'm tempted to quit blogging myself, because it is SUCH a time suck, but for me it wouldn't make much sense. I love it too much, and it really walks hand in hand with my goals (as opposed to preventing me from reaching them).

On another note, you look completely fabulous for 44, and I was really surprised to hear that. You must have excellent genes to still look 30 at 44! ;) I'm really sorry about the children thing, though, and I can imagine how incredibly painful that could be. Maybe you might consider adoption. It's not the same, but so very many children need to be loved and to belong, and I have a feeling you would be the absolute BEST adopted mother.

Take care friend, and stay in touch!

Luna Landing said...

Hello, I have just come by via Shade of Whim and want to say how appreciative and respectful I am to have shared in your authentic blog content tonight. We all have darkness within and I struggle too keeping that out of my blog - even my age as well (whats that about?), uncertain whether it belongs, how followers will react. But I love the bravery in this post of your and see quite clearly how well that bravery is going to serve you in the journey you are about to embark on.
All the best,
Jo X.

Bren Herrera said...

Lynn... 1st, wow, wow. wow... I'm sure most of us read this and our jaws dropped... I was sure that you were in your late 20s... no lie. Get it girl. On the other hand, I deeply respect your honestly, authenticity and courage in sharing something so personal with readers you don't know in person. It makes such a real person. Big hugs to you and a prayer for happiness, peace and acceptance of what God has laid out for you and Sean. Stay strong and know that He wouldn't put more on you than you can bear. I firmly believe that.

Marisa Noelle said...

Oh Lynn, reading this made my heart sink for you. I don't even know what to say except for you have always been such a sweet friend ...though from afar and your soul is always nothing but open, honest, and genuine. I can't even begin to tell you how many days reading your sweet and cheery posts & emails have brighten my spirits especially over every thing that last year brought me. You know my heart and thoughts are with you as you take some time for yourself and truly heal and rejuvenate your spirit. I have nothing but respect and love for you darling gal! Will definitely miss seeing you around these parts - and can I just say....I thought you were younger than me and I'm 31! Goodness, you are beautiful (and radiant)! Take care sweet Lynn! xx Marisa

Marisa Noelle said...

Oh Lynn, reading this made my heart sink for you. I don't even know what to say except for you have always been such a sweet friend ...though from afar and your soul is always nothing but open, honest, and genuine. I can't even begin to tell you how many days reading your sweet and cheery posts & emails have brighten my spirits especially over every thing that last year brought me. You know my heart and thoughts are with you as you take some time for yourself and truly heal and rejuvenate your spirit. I have nothing but respect and love for you darling gal! Will definitely miss seeing you around these parts - and can I just say....I thought you were younger than me and I'm 31! Goodness, you are beautiful (and radiant)! Take care sweet Lynn! xx Marisa

Lyndall said...

I love your blog so much and feel so touched that you would share such an honest and open post. You've always been so wonderful and friendly to me, and I'm so glad that we have 'met' ♥

I hope you find some answers in your time away from blogging and that it will be a good time of healing and new discoveries for you~

Wander.Lust said...

This is a beautiful and open post, so brave (and inspiring) of you to share. Sorry to hear you are going through a tough time in life, wishing you lots of positive energy and strength... btw, you must share your beauty secrets, because lady you look amazing!

Ashley {hudson's happenings} said...

My sweet, dear friend,
First, let me extend a virtual hug. A big ol' tight one, not unlike some virtual hugs we've exchanged before. Second, I just want to say...you are so courageous and amazing and all-together wonderful for sharing your true thoughts and feelings during such a difficult time in your life. I can tell by your words that you are feeling such pain right now, and I would give anything to be able to have the right words to say. I'd give anything to be able to help. I can't even grasp the big thoughts that are going through your head about life and future, and I realize there is no easy fix for all that you are going through, but I want you to know this: I am so blessed to have had you in my bloggy life thus far. You have been an inspiration, and a FRIEND, to me...you have shared countless kind words and wonderful encouragement (even if you didn't know you were doing so). And my point is...I have no doubt that REALLY good things are ahead for you. Like, super good. Because you are one of the KINDEST hearts that I have ever had the pleasure of being in contact with...and God watches over the kind hearts of this world. I believe that with every inch of my being. So while things may seem confusing and sad, please keep the faith that what is meant to be will happen, and I'm convinced what's meant to be for Lynn and Sean is going to be pretty darn grand. I do hope you will check in from time to time. I'll miss you more than you know, even though my comments are sometimes slow to appear and I sometimes fall a bit behind on my blog reading. In the meantime, you will always be in my prayers. Sending you LOTS of love and positivity. Focus on you and love and light and faith, and take the time you need to get back to your own grown up version of the Land of Fey. AND if you EVER need to talk, I'm only an email away. xoxoxoxoxo

Jess said...

Girl! We've all got to hit the lowest of lows in able to appreciate the highs. It's all about that balance and "growing up". The good news is no one needs to know how old you are, and I think it's great that you stop and reasses where your life is going. So many people get settled down and don't even think about their actions; they simply move along from day to day. Hang in there because you totally ROCK!

Cat said...

Gahhhh ... a simple little comment hardly does this killer, heartfelt, honest-to-the-core post you've shared justice but I am going to do my best ...

You know the saying that "life is a journey"? Well, I believe that each and every trial and tribulation that you've lived through makes us who we are today (yep, even the shitty heart-wrenching, tough, "i-don't-know-if/when-i-will-ever-feel-like-myself-again" times). Which means, if you had met Sean earlier it could very well not have worked out (do you know what I am saying?). I think of this reality often as, right before I met Andy, I had a big old dose of heart-ache and with that a serious soul-searching adventure that definitely changed who I am today ... as an individual, a friend, and a wife. While the pain that I had to endure sucked, I realize (now that I can look back a bit more objectively) that without it, I would not be the person I am today.

It is a bit more difficult for me to chime in on the kiddo thing as Andy and I discussed and came to the conclusion a long time ago (in the wee-hours of our early dating) that kids weren't for us (gasp!?!? ... hope I didn't throw you for a loop here!). But I can only imagine how hard and sucky it is when you aren't in control of a decision, esp. one as big and as life-impacting as having a child with the man you love. As you work through this blow keep in mind that you are NOT in it alone. You have something very, very special in this life ... a partner in crime, a yin to your yang, a soul mate who loves you unconditionally, a best friend ... work through this together and with time you'll find your peace and yourself again.

Thinking of you extra hard this week with lots of love!

Love, Cat

Luna Landing said...

Your very lovely comment on my blog made my night. Thank you and and I hope the days are being kind to you :) X.

Celeste said...

Hi Lynn,

I've been meaning to write ever since I got your comment on my blog-- I just wanted to send a big, real-deep-from-my-heart thank you. It's really amazing to see that people can connect to what I write and I love seeing that I relate so much to what you've written. (I, in fact, am very whelmed today.)

Sending lot of love,

Kylie said...

Oh Lynn - I really feel for you so much. I have a few friends going through the same thing and it is the frustration and heartbreak of 'why?'... It's wonderful that you are so open and honest and that you are prepared to do the hard yards to face it all. I do admit I'm going through a bit of a rough time (of a different kind) myself at the moment and the quote from Danielle LaPorte has really touched me.... So, there you are, even in the midst of your own turmoil you are helping others :) I hope you do blog a bit from time to time, if only to let us know how you're getting on. Take good care. Kylie x

Lynn {hearted girl} said...

hey girls,

a really big (and waaay too belated) thank you thank you for such truly moving and kind comments.

i can't tell you how much i appreciate the thought put into them all - really filled my heart up with big doses of loves. xo ♥

Pinecone Camp said...

Lynn I do have an idea of what you're going through. I think it's fantastic that you're taking charge and dealing with your reality. We all really should think about that.
On a much lighter note....you look amazing. Your skin is GORGEOUS. I agree with Christine - you should write a book, stat! Take care. x

Laura Bear said...

<3 may each step get easier as you walk. Your honesty is always something I so deeply admire, and your writing abilities are profound to boot (seriously... you need to write a book because it will be successful). There is no easy answer or way to think of the wouldashouldacouldda's but your light is getting you through this and helping you find how and what's next. That is very apparent.

OneCraftyFox said...

I absolutely love this post, my heart goes out to you... I can completely relate. When we were younger everyone was so eager to encourage us, and now coming out of our youth things often seem a little less *bright*. It is so important for us to take a step back, remember who we were, and what we now want to be. Define your life, become the person you can truly be proud of.

MaritaBliss said...

Oh Lynn, sweetheart, you come across so strong ♥ Even in your despair.

This post made me tear up, so honest and raw.

I know how you feel when it comes to honest blogging, I'm terrible at it. I never share my bad days on my blog, and having ME there really are a lot of bad ones.
I've been contemplating a while to write more honestly about being sick, I'll do baby-steps though ;)

I wish you luck on your journey of self exploration, you are awesome ♥

Lots of virtual hugs from both me and kitty-lady ♥

Kathleen Lisson said...

You are in my prayers.

Megan Joy said...

You are so inspirational. Friends are such awesome blessings. ♥ the heart throb shirt.